Blog on Temp Hiatus and Looking for Writers

This blog is temporarily on hiatus as the participants are working on a related project.

Are you a man who is experiencing male factor infertility and is considering using DI or has to create your family? Would you be interested in writing about your experiences? If you are please contact me at the e-mail address posted on my profile.

Q7: Told Your Family?

The question is actually have you told your family that your kids will be or are DI and how did you tell them? For that matter how open have you been in telling family, friends, or even co-workers?

A6 - Thoughts of the Donor - Richard

When you think of the donor what are your thoughts? Do you find him threatening in any manner? How would you react if your child [children] indicates they want to find the donor?

I'd be lying if I said that I'm pleased that he was ever needed to help create my family, but at the same time I recognise what an incredible gift he has given us and, above all I feel like I will never be able to thank him enough for what he has given us. I have the fears that I suspect most men in my position have but I also know, deep down, that those fears are unfounded.

One thing that I find myself wondering a great deal is how old our donor is. I know that in reality it makes no difference. It will be twenty years before we are in a position that we can even try to find him. But at the same time I'm intrigued to know whether or not he and I are of the same generation or whether he is considerably younger than I am and we share little in the way of common experiences.

I have almost no doubt that my children will want to find him and the thought does not particularly worry me. I have always figured that if I live under the assumption that they will want to find him then, if they do not, it will have much less of an impact on me. If I were them, I would want to find him and find out the kind of person that he is.

Above all I hope that one day he is a man that I can call a friend.

Q6: Thoughts of the Donor

When you think of the donor what are your thoughts? Do you find him threatening in any manner? How would you react if your child [children] indicates they want to find the donor?

A5 - Position on Disclosure / Openness - Richard

What is your position on disclosure / openness with your children re DI? And if you do disclose at what age would you think appropriate to tell the children?

I shall try to keep this one as short as possible. I believe that every child has a right to information about who they are and where they come from. That information includes the fact that they are donor conceived. While I understand that some people feel that keeping the information from their children means preventing a lot of uncomfortable questions and pretending that their family is exactly the same as every other, I don't believe that parents have a right to keep their children in the dark. Fundamentally I don't believe that the information belongs to the parent, they're simply guardians of it until their children are old enough to understand what it means.

Why do I feel so strongly about the subject? Because lies are not a way of building a secure family unit, and no matter how you frame it, not telling is a lie of ommission. What on earth would happen if somehow my children found the information out from a doctor or a government official or, heaven forbid, a letter landing on the doorstep from their donor? It's one of those lies, like so many others, that is terrifying while it is untold and then powerless once it is out in the open. It has the power to hold my family to ransom or bring us together, depending on how I choose to deal with it.

When will I tell my children? It will be the first thing that I say to them after "hello" when they enter this world, and I will keep telling them on a regular basis as they grow up so that they are confident that the information is not something to be afraid or ashamed of. And as well as making it easier for them to deal with the information, talking to them about it before they can understand allows me to become comfortable with the words so that, when I explain it to them when they're older, I know how to phrase it and don't stumble over the words making both me and them uncomfortable.

I will love my kids and I will trust them to love me, despite the fact that they don't share my genes.

Q5: Position on Disclosure / Openness

What is your position on disclosure / openness with your children re DI? And if you do disclose at what age would you think appropriate to tell the children?

A4 - Single Biggest Fear Regarding DI - Richard

What is your single biggest fear and why regarding the use of donor insemination in creating your family?

I think my biggest fear is probably the same of any father. I'm afraid that my kids will end up hating me. As a father to kids that are not genetically related to me, I have to work extra hard to ensure that my kids realise how much I love and appreciate them for who they are. A lot of parents rely on the fact that their kids have to love them because they're related to them. I won't have that luxury. But on the plus side, I will reap the rewards of that extra work, something that most dads will never even realise is possible.

For all parents I think there is a constant fear that when you finally let them fly the nest they might never come back. For me there will always be the fear that when my kids finally decide to go off and find their donor my relationship with them will never be the same again. But if I do my job as a dad right it will just be another chapter in their lives and part of the story of our family.

Richard