DI Dads Speak Out

Blog on Temp Hiatus and Looking for Writers

2007-02-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

This blog is temporarily on hiatus as the participants are working on a related project.

Are you a man who is experiencing male factor infertility and is considering using DI or has to create your family? Would you be interested in writing about your experiences? If you are please contact me at the e-mail address posted on my profile.

A7 - Told Your Family?

2006-10-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

The question is actually have you told your family that your kids will be or are DI and how did you tell them? For that matter how open have you been in telling family, friends, or even co-workers?

We told our parents during the Christmas holiday, about two months before the birth. My parents, we just simply told them that we used a donor. My father-in-law is almost completely deaf, so we printed out a sort of DI fact sheet, and handed it to him to read as we told my mother-in-law, so he would have an idea of what was being discussed. We thought it was important to explain the situation before the birth.

My wife’s closest sister was also told before the birth. As for other siblings, telling them coincided with the publication of the June 2006 USA Today article in which I was quoted. We had to tell at some point, and the article was a good ice breaker. Everyone we have told has been supportive.

We have told no one else, other than family that we used DI. I know that it’s nothing to hide, or nothing to be ashamed of, but we have decided to keep it private at this point.

Q7: Told Your Family?

2006-10-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

The question is actually have you told your family that your kids will be or are DI and how did you tell them? For that matter how open have you been in telling family, friends, or even co-workers?

A6 - Thoughts of the Donor - Richard

2006-10-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

When you think of the donor what are your thoughts? Do you find him threatening in any manner? How would you react if your child [children] indicates they want to find the donor?

I'd be lying if I said that I'm pleased that he was ever needed to help create my family, but at the same time I recognise what an incredible gift he has given us and, above all I feel like I will never be able to thank him enough for what he has given us. I have the fears that I suspect most men in my position have but I also know, deep down, that those fears are unfounded.

One thing that I find myself wondering a great deal is how old our donor is. I know that in reality it makes no difference. It will be twenty years before we are in a position that we can even try to find him. But at the same time I'm intrigued to know whether or not he and I are of the same generation or whether he is considerably younger than I am and we share little in the way of common experiences.

I have almost no doubt that my children will want to find him and the thought does not particularly worry me. I have always figured that if I live under the assumption that they will want to find him then, if they do not, it will have much less of an impact on me. If I were them, I would want to find him and find out the kind of person that he is.

Above all I hope that one day he is a man that I can call a friend.

A6 - Thoughts of the Donor - Bob

2006-09-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

When you think of the donor what are your thoughts? Do you find him threatening in any manner? How would you react if your child [children] indicates they want to find the donor?

My thoughts regarding the donor is that he was a college kid, about 11 years my junior looking to make some cash by “donating” sperm. I know that the donation process was not simple, and there were many hoops to jump through, so it wasn’t a quick cash endeavor by any means. Also, I guess there was some element of altruism, and a desire to help a family such as mine, but I expect he wouldn’t have provided the sperm without the cash payment.

We’ve heard his recorded interview now, and he seems like a good person, with a solid outlook on life. I don't find him threatening in the least. I just find it a bit disheartening that he is so young; that I needed help from someone in his early twenties to build my family.

As for my reaction if Dori would want to find him, I don’t know. We’ve entered into a contract of anonymity of sorts. My wife, the donor and I agreed to anonymity. Dori did not. I have to imagine that by donating sperm, the donor carries a certain degree of risk that the children created by the donation will be curious about their identity in the future.

If Dori were interested in finding out who he is, and contacting him, I would help her all I could, after she has reached the age of 18. But, I won’t be taking any preemptive measures to identify him before that. I intend to honor his wish for anonymity, until Dori makes an adult decision otherwise.

Q6: Thoughts of the Donor

2006-09-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

When you think of the donor what are your thoughts? Do you find him threatening in any manner? How would you react if your child [children] indicates they want to find the donor?

A5 - Position on Disclosure / Openness - Bob

2006-08-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

What is your position on disclosure / openness with your children re DI? And if you do disclose at what age would you think appropriate to tell the children?

I ditto what Richard has said. In fact, I have told Dori that she is DI conceived, but at six months of age, she obviously has no way of understanding what I've said. But, I don't make a regular practice of it. Yes, I can see how doing that on a regular basis would make it easier for us as she grows to an age of comprehension.

My elder daughter, Addy, is four. We have not told her yet that she is a product of ICSI/ZIFT. In fact, it may be time to do that. Please note that this is not something we're trying to hide at all. In fact, it's so common that it doen't seem an out of the ordinary way to be conceived.

So, I'd have to say that it's easy to say that we are pro-disclosure, but fitting it into real life is a bit more challenging. Especially since we don't define our kids as being "ICSI/ZIFT" conceived or "DI" conceived.

A5 - Position on Disclosure / Openness - Richard

2006-08-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

What is your position on disclosure / openness with your children re DI? And if you do disclose at what age would you think appropriate to tell the children?

I shall try to keep this one as short as possible. I believe that every child has a right to information about who they are and where they come from. That information includes the fact that they are donor conceived. While I understand that some people feel that keeping the information from their children means preventing a lot of uncomfortable questions and pretending that their family is exactly the same as every other, I don't believe that parents have a right to keep their children in the dark. Fundamentally I don't believe that the information belongs to the parent, they're simply guardians of it until their children are old enough to understand what it means.

Why do I feel so strongly about the subject? Because lies are not a way of building a secure family unit, and no matter how you frame it, not telling is a lie of ommission. What on earth would happen if somehow my children found the information out from a doctor or a government official or, heaven forbid, a letter landing on the doorstep from their donor? It's one of those lies, like so many others, that is terrifying while it is untold and then powerless once it is out in the open. It has the power to hold my family to ransom or bring us together, depending on how I choose to deal with it.

When will I tell my children? It will be the first thing that I say to them after "hello" when they enter this world, and I will keep telling them on a regular basis as they grow up so that they are confident that the information is not something to be afraid or ashamed of. And as well as making it easier for them to deal with the information, talking to them about it before they can understand allows me to become comfortable with the words so that, when I explain it to them when they're older, I know how to phrase it and don't stumble over the words making both me and them uncomfortable.

I will love my kids and I will trust them to love me, despite the fact that they don't share my genes.

Q5: Position on Disclosure / Openness

2006-08-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

What is your position on disclosure / openness with your children re DI? And if you do disclose at what age would you think appropriate to tell the children?

A4 - Single Biggest Fear Regarding DI - Richard

2006-08-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

What is your single biggest fear and why regarding the use of donor insemination in creating your family?

I think my biggest fear is probably the same of any father. I'm afraid that my kids will end up hating me. As a father to kids that are not genetically related to me, I have to work extra hard to ensure that my kids realise how much I love and appreciate them for who they are. A lot of parents rely on the fact that their kids have to love them because they're related to them. I won't have that luxury. But on the plus side, I will reap the rewards of that extra work, something that most dads will never even realise is possible.

For all parents I think there is a constant fear that when you finally let them fly the nest they might never come back. For me there will always be the fear that when my kids finally decide to go off and find their donor my relationship with them will never be the same again. But if I do my job as a dad right it will just be another chapter in their lives and part of the story of our family.

Richard

A 4 - Single Biggest Fear Regarding DI - Bob

2006-08-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

What is your single biggest fear and why regarding the use of donor insemination in creating your family?

My single biggest fear in using DI to help build our family lies in the fact that we have an older non-DI conceived daughter. My older daughter, Addy, was conceived via ICSI-ZIFT almost five years ago. The reasons we decided to use DI for our second daughter, Dori, include a second failed IVF procedure, and a realization that our first success was unlikely to repeat. Other factors include the physical and mental difficulties that accompany IVF, and cost.

So, that brings me back to my fear. What will Dori think as she grows to realize that her sister is fully genetically related to me, and she is not? That was the biggest reason that I initially hesitated even to attempt DI, and when I did consent to DI, that I wanted to keep closed mouthed about it. Yep, at first I was completely against disclosure. Keep it a secret. Don’t tell anyone, especially the baby.

Well, anyone who is familiar with my openness now, through my writings on this blog, or on the Yahoo! Group, or my interview with USA Today, can probably piece together that I have changed my thinking regarding disclosure. I now feel that the importance in being honest with Dori overrides my selfish desire to hide the truth surrounding her conception. But, in the back of my mind, I still wonder how the fact that she does not share genes with me, while her sister does will affect her.

While I am convinced that openness is the best option, my fear is still present. I have reserved myself to love Dori (and Addy) unconditionally. My hope is that unconditional love, and open and honest dialogue will prove that we did the best we could in building our family.

Q4: Single Biggest Fear Regarding DI

2006-08-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

What is your single biggest fear and why regarding the use of donor insemination in creating your family?

- Eric

A3 - Questions of Self Worth - Richard

2006-07-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Since discovering your own infertilty how has your own view of what it means to be a man changed? Do you believe using another man's sperm changes your view?

I'm not your typical macho guy, so generally such things don't bother me. Would I be less of a man if I brought up a child that my wife might hypothetically have had from a previous relationship? I think not.

To be honest I think I can honestly answer this question with a simple no. Being infertile has not effected my own view of my masculinity, my virilty, my sexuality or any other part of those things that society typically associates with being a man.

That said, I think I can understand how people brought up in a different way might feel very differently. If I wasn't comfortable being open about such things I might believe the myth that producing a few sperm cells could define my manhood. Infertility and the requirement to effectively bring a 3rd person into your marriage can be very disturbing if the two of you don't sit down and discuss with each other how you really feel about it and what you're afraid that it might change.

I'll answer this question with another question. Who is more of a man? The guy who gets a woman pregnant and then walks away because he can't handle the commitment or the guy who says I'm man enough to handle doing whatever it takes to give my wife and I the chance to raise a family together. I know which one I'd rather be.

A3 - Questions of Self Worth - Bob

2006-07-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Since discovering your own infertilty how has your own view of what it means to be a man changed? Do you believe using another man's sperm changes your view?

I don’t equate fertility with manhood. My infertility is a fact. My status as a man is a fact. Of course, I’ve known about my infertility for five years now. I do remember having feelings of weakness and self doubt in the beginning.

Rather than my view of being a man, what is most impacted is my view of being a husband. My wife was absolutely devastated by not being able to get pregnant by me, and not being able to have kids the old fashioned way. Watching her go through the strains of IVF cycles and failed DI IUIs, and my not being able to “fix” the situation was and is tough. Especially when it was my condition and not hers that caused all the physical pain and mental anguish.

Using another man’s sperm was the most viable fix to our situation. I am grateful that was an option.

Q3: Questions of Self Worth

2006-07-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

Since discovering your own infertilty how has your own view of what it means to be a man changed? Do you believe using another man's sperm changes your view?

- Eric

A2 - Choosing a Donor - Richard

2006-07-05T04:44:00.000-07:00

Q2: How did you (or do you) and your partner / spouse go about picking a donor? What are the most important characteristics to you and why? Are there any donors you would not choose?

In the UK it's not so much a question of choosing a donor but rather finding one in the first place. We were given the choice of just one donor, who is now no longer active. The form that we filled in to specify our donor criteria was based very much around the old idea of 'not telling' I guess. The form contains details of physical characteristics and these are considered the most important when selecting a donor.

For me the most important things are different. The thing that I have most in common with my father is the way in which I view the world. I think my left-handedness plays a part in that and I would have liked a left handed donor if it were possible. My wife is right handed and, as I've said before, having a left handed child would give me a relationship with my child that my wife did not have.

As for donors I would not choose, I would have say that a donor would always need to be of the same ethnic origin as me and my wife. While I would have no problem with a child that had a different skin colour to me, I think it would be very hard for the child to get away from the fact that daddy was not their 'real' father. I also think that I'd steer away from anonymous donors or donors from abroad. It's hard enough to explain to your kids that their biological father is not the man who brought them up without then telling them that they can never find out who he was or that he lived on the other side of the world and shares no cultural heritage with them.

The shortage of donors here in the UK, however, may change my opinions. Never say never.

A2 - Choosing a Donor - Bob

2006-07-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

Q2: How did you (or do you) and your partner / spouse go about picking a donor? What are the most important characteristics to you and why? Are there any donors you would not choose?

The short answer is: We chose a donor who matched physical characteristics with either me or my wife. The most important factor was that he be of northern European descent. We ruled out anyone who listed history of family mental illness, or who listed family members who, other than accident, died at an early age.

I’m 6’ 1” (185 cm) tall, so I found it important that the donor range between 6’ 0” and 6’ 2”. We chose a donor who was about 165 lbs. (75 kg), the weight I was when I was the age of most donors.

For traits like hair and eye color, it was necessary that he matched either my wife or me.

My wife has environmental allergies. We ruled out one otherwise acceptable donor because he had allergies. No need to saddle the child with an almost guarantee of teary eyes for the rest of their life. We also wanted someone who had begun or completed college.

After the filtering, we ended up with three profiles. I had a slight preference for two, and my wife had a slight preference for two. We chose the one for which we both had a slight preference.

Q2: Choosing a Donor

2006-06-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

How did you (or do you) and your partner / spouse go about picking a donor? What are the most important characteristics to you and why? Are there any donors you would not choose?

A1 – Addressing DI Publicly –Bob

2006-06-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Q1: Why do you think its important for men like ourselves to publicly address the issues surrounding DI and our own thoughts and feelings publicly?

It is important that men address DI publicly to decrease the amount of DI related angst that our children may accumulate as they grow. Our children did not choose conception via DI. My wife and I chose DI to build a family. The donor chose to provide chromosomes. Our daughter had no choice, yet our choice will be with her throughout her lifetime.

There are at least a couple ways this blog can reduce my daughter’s, and other DI-conceived children’s emotional baggage. The first is to help us fathers practice communicating the issues of DI. As we discuss, we will become more knowledgeable on the subject, and open to other opinions.

This forum can also serve as a tool to reverse at least partially social unacceptability held toward the use of DI, especially when used by heterosexual couples with male factor infertility.

Ultimately, for those of us who choose full disclosure, our experience here will make it easier to begin and sustain a conversation regarding the circumstances of our children’s conception; it will become more natural to be open with them. I hope that will help my daughter be more accepting of how it is she came to be.

A1 - Addressing DI Publicly - Max

2006-06-13T00:56:00.000-07:00

Q1: Why do you think its important for men like ourselves to publicly address the issues surrounding DI and our own thoughts and feelings publicly?

How can I give my potential future children a sense of pride in who they are if I as an infertile man, live my life in shame ?!
Infertility is not a dirty word. It’s amazing, nowadays we can openly talk about Aids, Homosexuality, breast cancer and erection problems just to name a few but mention male infertility and the whole room goes quiet !
It’s time to break boundaries set by years of secrecy and misinformation and speak out loud. Time to share our stories with the world in order to support those who share our pain and dispel all untrue beliefs via open communication.

Unlike women, men do not have many places to find support and certainly we tend to be our worst enemy when it comes to sharing our feelings, but for me I see this as a challenge .

I find that discussing issues surrounding my infertility is liberating in a way and it helps me deal with it. I have often wondered what my purpose in life is since I cannot father children of my own and so perhaps the answer is to help others who share my predicament by sharing my feelings and opening up a line of communication with the greater community to promote better understanding of male infertility.

A1 – Addressing DI Publicly - Richard

2006-06-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Q1: Why do think its important for men like ourselves to publicly address the issues surrounding DI and our own thought and feelings publicly?

Why address our issues publicly? I guess there are a number of reasons for me. I've known about my infertility for only a short period of time and, as a person who likes talking things to death, discussing our decision to use DI with others just sort of came naturally. I think, had I tried to keep quiet about it, it would have eaten away at me from the inside. Talking about it gives me a chance to vent my frustrations, fears, anger and sadness almost like an exorcism. Writing about my experiences act as pressure release valve and helps to keep me sane.

But I guess there is another side to Eric’s question. Why do I think other men should share their feelings about DI in public? Well, because there are a lot more of us out there that can’t bring themselves to do it. Men who live with those fears and frustrations everyday but cannot open their mouths to tell anyone. And it’s not their fault. Society worships fertility and links it inextricably to virility. For those men brought up in families where men don’t cry or show their feelings, telling someone that they are infertile must be practically impossible. Those men deserve a voice and for now, at least, I guess we are that voice.

Q1: Addressing DI Publicly

2006-06-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

Why do think its important for men like ourselves to publicly address the issues surrounding DI and our own thoughts and feelings publicly?

This is the first question of an ongoing series of questions being posed to several men who are either already DI Dads, TTC (trying to conceive) via DI, or are considering DI. Look for posts in the coming days from each of these gentlemen. All comments will be moderated.

Eric